My Timeline

I'm piecing together the back story and timeline of how this all got started. I will expand upon each later to get a better feel for the emotional side of each event.

1) Trigger.
--This was what set me off, I think. He broke up with me, and absolutely broke my heart in the process. Even to this day, when I look or even think back to what happened, I still get teary or even cry.
--After this happened, I forced myself to push the though of what happened and his memory out of my head. I really didn't think about it for months at a time. 

2) New work stresses. 
--There were a lot of changes in the fall semester to my work duties, and that added on just general stress in my life.
--I tried to leave my job. I started looking around just to get out of this town. 

3) Dating app.
--I thought it was about time to at least try meeting new people, so I joined a dating app/website. I spoke to a few guys here and there, and then "met" someone who seemed pretty great.
--Dave was from a couple hours away, and he had a kid. But we got along really well, we could talk on the phone for hours at a time, and we "talked" for a couple months. The day before he was going to come visit me, I told him not to come - that I couldn't handle it. I ran away.

4) Christmas break. 
--I was stuck here over Christmas through the day after Christmas. I had a lot of time to myself, and this was right after I had told Dave to not come. My thoughts were really getting the better part of me.

5) Anxiety attack #1. 
--I freaked out before the semester even started for the spring semester. I thought that I couldn't do this job, that I needed to move and get out of here, and what was I thinking that I could still do this and take classes.

6) Counseling. 
--I finally went to counseling and starting talking about all of my random thoughts/emotions.

7) Spring stress. 
--I stayed pretty stressed for this first part of the spring semester. Between work, classes, and learning more about/dealing with the anxiety, I tended to procrastinate on everything and never accomplish anything.

8) Anxiety attack #2. 
--When I had my panic attack in the middle of the night (previous post), it was a scary feeling. I wrote all about it, because I was in the middle of posting (and procrastinating) when it happened.

9) Medication. 
--I finally convinced myself to go to the on-campus doctor and try to get some medication to manage the anxiety. She prescribed some Zoloft to me, and I'm on the fifth day now. I don't think it's all in my head - I really think that it's starting to help.

This is how I feel sometimes:

late nights - apparently this is what happens.

First of all, I would like to say that I absolutely SHOULD be working on my big paper and presentation that are both due tomorrow (today) evening.

To go to the doctor, or not to go to the doctor...? You see, some days are just fine. Everything is under control. But then, the next day, or sometimes even within the exact same day,

nothing is right.
nothing is fine.
everything is scary.
between fight and flight, flight is definitely winning.

But surely I'm over-reacting. Just because I like to listen to sad songs to make myself more sad and frustrated doesn't make me crazy, right?

My thoughts bounce around like the skinny kid in a bounce house - they just get so jumbled. Which is probably why any posts I make on here aren't going to make any sense. And I don't even know if they will help me.

But I think that I do want to go see the doctor about getting on medication. All of the independent research that I've been doing should be investigated or confirmed by someone who is an actual doctor.

.................................................................................................................................

Just broke down. Actual anxiety attack. No real reason, but I'm so tired, and my eyes hurt so bad. And I've been crying and clutching the pillow.

Still have homework. Everyone's asleep.

The only one who's like everyone else

I'm sure we all go through these things... Surely I'm not the only one. Well, I know that I'm not, but I'm tired to boring the same friends with the same whining. 

I've recently been "diagnosed" with anxiety. I put quotes around that because I'm not sure if that's the right word, but according to the counselor I am on the 2nd most anxious level of anxiety that I could be. I've felt these feelings before, but they went away. These days, they never go away. 

This blog will serve as my record of what's going on with all of this. I would never claim that my experience is the typical anxious experience, but I like to think that there are other people out there who will genuinely understand what I'm going through.

STORY TIME: I actually had an anxiety attach today. It came out of nowhere, and even though I knew that it was COMPLETELY irrational, it got to me. People get so accustomed to me being this outgoing, fun, lively person, and that's the persona that I'm expected to maintain. So today, when I got to lunch and wasn't very chatty, automatically it's assumed that I'm in a bad mood, or something bad happened, or that I'm being a Negative Nancy. So after lunch, I barely held it together. I was going between sad, frustrated, angry, and tired. So I said that I had a headache, and cleaned my apartment all afternoon. I guess that's how I deal with things, for now.